I Could Learn A Language But This Cat Just Met A Cucumber

The Algorithm Thinks It's Got My Number

I have in my hand a device with access to basically all human knowledge.

Every scientific breakthrough, historical event, philosophical treatise - it’s right in the palm of my hand.

I could search quantum physics. Discover string theory or dark matter (no chance of that).

Even dive into ancient history, and figure out what happened to the Library of Alexandria.

But what am I doing?

Watching cats get mildly surprised by cucumbers.

Not even dramatically surprised. Just… sort of startled.

There’s an entire genre of this. Cats encountering cucumbers. Cats discovering mirrors. Cats realising the red dot will never be caught. I’ve watched thirty one in the last hour.

The algorithm’s thrown it’s hands in the air and given up on me.

No more educational content.

“Oh, you want cats being freaked out by aluminium foil?”

“Here’s another couple of dozen.”

“We’ve got your number now!”

I could be learning anything. University lectures are free online. MIT posts, even entire courses.

I could even learn a new language, if I really, really wanted to.

But have you seen the one where the cat gets confused by an automatic air freshener? Because that’s cinema. Pure art. The timing, the expression, the way the cat stares at it like it committed a personal betrayal - priceless.

My phone has more computing power than the machines that sent humans to the moon.

NASA worked with less technology than what’s currently helping me find a cat sitting in a box that’s slightly too small.

You know I start with good intentions.

Open a tab about the Roman Empire, really commit to learning.

Then somehow - no idea how or why - I’m twenty minutes deep in cats interrupting Zoom meetings.

Some people use phones to organise social movements. Coordinate disaster relief. Run businesses.

Meanwhile I just discovered a cat that learned to open doors and I’m watching the owner’s complete meltdown trying to cat-proof their house.

It doesn’t even embarrass me anymore.

Someone asks what I’m doing and I just hold up my phone. “Cat spooked by a printer. Revolutionary stuff. The cinematography’s incredible.”

The ancient philosophers would lose their minds. “We gave you civilisation’s collected wisdom and THIS is what you do?”

But seriously? That cat was really surprised by the cucumber.

The Internet might have promised enlightenment and global connectivity, but, it gave us something better instead: cats experiencing minor inconveniences in high definition.

Works for me.