The Moment You Designate It As Good, It's Already Gone

A Brief Investigation Into Household Object Betrayal

We have a drawer in our kitchen.

In that drawer there are, at any given time, between seven and thirteen pens

None of them work.

This is not an accident.

The pens don’t stop working randomly. They stop working at the precise moment they become the only pen you actually need.

Before that they’re fine. Sitting there. Full of ink. Completely unbothered.

The moment you pick one up for something important, a form, a number, something you need to write down right that minute, it produces a faint scratch and nothing else.

Every time.

The drawer is a pen hospice. They go in working and come out as dry husks that exist purely to disappoint you at critical moments.

The Good Pen

At some point in every household a pen gets designated.

Not formally.

Nobody holds a ceremony. But a pen arrives, usually from a hotel, occasionally from a bank, once in our case from a man at a conference, I didn’t know who he was, and it writes beautifully.

Smooth. Consistent. Reliable.

Someone picks it up and thinks “oh this is a good pen”.

That’s it. There’s the moment right there. The countdown begins.

Within a week it’s gone.

Not lost. Gone!

There’s a difference. Lost implies it might come back.

Gone means it has entered a dimension specifically reserved for designated good pens and you will never see it again.

We’ve been lucky enough to have had several very good pens.

I know where none of them are.

The System

A good pen doesn’t work alone.

I’ve identified a network of household objects that operate on the same principle. The moment you designate something as the good version of a thing, the designation itself triggers the disappearance.

The good scissors. You buy proper ones. Keep them in a specific place. Tell everyone they are not for craft projects or opening packages or cutting hair.

Within three months they are being used in another room, not returned and then simply gone.

The good plastic containers. You buy the set with the lids that actually seal. Airtight. Stackable. The lids vanish almost immediately.

The containers ….. never!

The good charger. The fast charging one. Gone.

In its place are several chargers I’ve never seen before.

This is not a coincidence.

This is some kind of intra dimensional infrastructure.

The Evidence

I know what I’m talking about because I tested this.

I bought two identical pens.

One I designated as the good pen. Told my wife. Put it in a specific place. Made its status clear.

One I put in the drawer without comment.

Within four days the good pen had vanished.

The drawer pen is still there. Still works. Has been used by nobody for anything.

The system doesn’t want the drawer pen. It has no value. Nothing has been invested in it emotionally.

The system feeds on personal attachments.

The Solution

Stop designating.

I’m serious.

Buy a pen. Use it. Tell nobody its status, good or bad.

Maintain complete emotional neutrality toward it. The moment you feel yourself thinking this is a good pen, put that thought as far from your mind as possible.

Will this work?

I don’t know.

I’ve started hiding one pen at the back of a cupboard with no designation whatsoever.

It’s been three weeks.

It’s still there.

Which either means the system hasn’t found it yet.

Or the system is waiting.

I’m not telling anyone which cupboard.